No love

Am I such an unlovable creature?

I must be.

I should have listened when they told me.

I wouldn’t have this STUPID hope that I could have more.



You came into my life so unexpectedly, like a Summer storm that appears from nowhere.

In such a short time, you became so enormous in my life. You consumed my entire being.

I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, most of the time, because your life was so entirely different from mine, and I struggled to understand.

I breathed, I adjusted as best I could, and I thought I had it all under control.

But the differences keep appearing, and I don’t – can’t – understand your way of thinking, of living.

I never know what I’m going to see, or hear. I don’t know whether you tell me the truth, or partial truth, and lies.  All I know is, this doesn’t sit well with me, so I need to let you go, so you can spread your wings, find yourself, and live YOUR truth.


Tearing, ripping, maiming, they drag me

Deeper into my nightmare.

The one place I can’t escape them

And what they did.

Again, I am nothing. Not even a person.

A thing.

Put here for a reason.

Their reason.


I fight, even then, to claw my way out

But something keeps me held down…

Down in my own personal hell.


As I wake, yelling and dripping sweat,

Tears rolling down my cheeks,

I realise how alone I am.

How I have isolated myself, in many ways,

So nobody gets close enough to hurt me.


I don’t have family – they are dead to me.


Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice

If I wasn’t here any longer.



Such miniscule pieces of time, that can mean so much. Why, oh why, don’t memories or feelings, stay in proportion to the amount of TIME involved?

How can a look, across a room, from a stranger, become so meaningful?

How can decades of friendship, mean so little?

A split-second decision can change your entire life.  Or end someone else’s.

I guess the heart has it’s own idea of what is important, and what is not.

I just wish it would follow the lines of logic, occasionally.